she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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