You're my little dorito
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He passed out mid-signature
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
