You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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