I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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