4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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