Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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