Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
