my phone needs a breathalizer
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
