your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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