I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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