dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
