He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
