We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
