I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
