I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
