i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
