I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
