i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
