i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
