I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
