I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize