I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
