Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
