Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
