You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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