You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
