umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just gift wrapped bread.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
