The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
