There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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