I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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