Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
