You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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