three words: i give head
three words: not that well
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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