Only a mothe r could love this liver
babies were throwing up all over the place
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
