he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
