if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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