I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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