i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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