The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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