just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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