There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
