I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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