question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
