For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
