she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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