do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
