I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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