Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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