And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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