I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
