i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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