I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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