look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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