Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
